Advocates Against Family Violence Inc

Fifteen years, three beautiful daughters, alcohol, verbal abuse, physical abuse, cheating, lying,  losing everything over and over again, numerous times of leaving him only to return to broken promises and more abuse.  Finally in 2001 I said to him "ENOUGH IS ENOUGH I AM DONE!!!" He left and went out drinking again only to return very late at night. Another fight broke out in the downstairs of our home while two of my three daughters were sleeping in their room right above us.

This time seemed very different to me. He became very calm quickly, only for me to realize that he had a gun. The next several hours seemed like an eternity with mind games and emotional/verbal abuse.  He would say things like, "I will kill you",  "One of us is leaving in a body bag and it’s not going to be me". He would try and get me to take the gun and tell me to shoot him. The crazy life we lived was flashing before my eyes.  I just knew that it was over and this time I was not sure how to save myself or the girls. I tried numerous times to get out of the basement knowing that my babies were just upstairs.  What would happen to them? 

Finally he went into the bathroom and I knew that this was the only chance I had to save myself and my girls. The minute he turned around in the bathroom I ran up the stairs grabbed the cordless phone, and called 911. The operator instructed me to go outside and down the street, and help was on the way.  Scared and screaming I did just what she told me to do, all the while watching the house. It felt like the police were there by the time I turned around outside. The local officers as well as the SWAT team were there and headed into the house.  Within minutes my girls were brought to me down the street and we waited with an officer for what felt like hours, in reality was only a few minutes.  We heard the gun shot….next thing I knew they were bringing my husband out of the house in handcuffs,. He had shot the gun into a closet threatening to kill himself.

Over the next few days I remember writing reports, talking to all different kinds of people and really unsure of what to do next or where to go.  My victim witness coordinator referred me to the local shelter for services.  I remember sitting there with the advocate thinking "I am so stupid and what in the world did I get myself into". The conversation with the advocate was very cold, demanding and I felt almost to blame for what had happened to my children and for things getting so bad,  that he was arrested for felony domestic violence, with a firearm, in the presence of children. The advocate kept telling me what I needed to do, where I needed to go, what class I needed to attend... you need… you need….you need… I was so overwhelmed I just left, went back to my home and cried for several days thinking here we go again someone else telling me what I NEED!!! Why is no one asking me what I want? What can they do to help me??

I spent the next several months finding myself with the help of my family, friends and my coworkers.  That is where I found my strength and decided I needed to make a difference.  I returned to college to focus on social work.  In 2003, after my first year in college I was able to get a part time job at AAFV as a case manager.  I knew from the minute I was hired and met with my first client that I was going to make a difference.  I was going to help make the ladies I worked with sort through their lives; but I would take that journey WITH THEM not them with me.  The journey to find ourselves is a tough path to take and as long as we help guide and encourage the survivors we come in contact with they will learn to trust and believe in themselves.  Survivors of domestic violence do not need another person telling them what to do and how to do it.  They just left a controlling situation. They need support and guidance. At AAFV and Hopes Door we work with our survivors on the best plan of action for them on their journey to self-sufficiency.  If and when they make mistakes we help them see that it’s ok,. We continue to guide and encourage our survivors, never giving up on them or passing judgment.  I remember years ago a friend telling me I had to forgive myself and accept myself for who I was before I could ever move forward.  That is exactly what I did.  I am now able to help the ladies we work with each and every day believe in themselves. 

The staff at AAFV and Hopes Door are completely voluntary services and self-directed by our survivors so that they are able to find the strength within themselves and for themselves.

Tricia Combs
Program Manager
Advocates Against Family Violence